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Fun Facts From Professor Woodsterman

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Hat Tip To Odie@Woodsterman.

 

Fascinating Stuff . . .

 Railroad Tracks

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used
for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome,
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,
‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough
to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

 Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains
and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know,
is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system
was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Asses control almost everything.
Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

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Engineers

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Hat Tip To Odie@Woodsterman.

 

engineering-pictures-3

 

Understanding Engineers #1:

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2:

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5:

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6:

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

And finally:

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

The Wheel and Beer . . .

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Hat Tip To Odie@Woodsterman.

 

The two most important events in all of history were 
the invention  of beer and the invention of the wheel… 

Beer  required grain and that was the  beginning of agriculture.
Neither  the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,so  while our early humans were sitting around waiting  
for  them to be invented,

They just stayed close to the  brewery. 
That’s how villages were  formed.

The  wheel was invented to get man to the  beer.

These  two were the foundation of modern 
civilization and, together,were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2.  Conservatives.

Some  men spent their days tracking and killing animals 
to BBQ  at night while they were drinking beer.

This was the  beginning of what is known as the 
Conservative movement.

Other  men who were less skilled at hunting learned to 
live off  the conservatives by showing up for the nightly 
BBQ’s and  doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. 
This was the  beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some  of these liberal men evolved into women. 
Others became  known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy 
Liberal achievements  include the domestication of cats, 
the invention of group  therapy, group hugs, and the 
concept of democratic voting  to decide how to divide 
the meat and beer that  Conservatives provided.

Over  the years Conservatives came to be symbolized 
by the  largest, most powerful land animal on earth, 
the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass 
for obvious  reasons.

Modern  Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), 
but most prefer  white wine or imported bottled water. 
They eat raw fish  but like their beef well done. Sushi, 
tofu, and French  food are standard Liberal fare. 
Another interesting  evolutionary side note: many 
Liberal women have higher  testosterone levels 
than their men.

Most  college professors, social workers, personal 
injury  attorneys, journalists, filmmakers in Hollywood, 
group  therapists and community organizers are Liberals. 
Liberals  meddled in our national pastime and invented the  designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives  drink real beer. They eat red meat and 
still provide for  their women. Conservatives are big 
game hunters, rodeo  cowboys, lumberjacks, construction 
workers, firemen,  medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate  executives, athletes, members of the military, airline  pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.   
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives  who want to work for a living.

Liberals  produce little or nothing. They like to govern the  producers and decide what to do with the production.  
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than  
Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in  
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . 
They  crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a  business of trying to get more for  nothing.

Here  ends today’s lesson in world history.

It should be noted  that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily  respond 
to this post.

A  Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the  absolute truth of this history that it will be shared  immediately to other true believers and to just piss off  more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

I’m going to have another  beer.

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

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Hat Tip To Odie@Woodsterman.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.”
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”
So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back.”
SO, THEY LAID-OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.
NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?
Anybody?
Anything?
No?

Didn’t think so!

Bottom line is, we’ve spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!
Ready??
It was very simple… and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT’S 2015 — 38 YEARS LATER — AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS “NECESSARY” DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?”)
38 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.
Ah, yes — good old Federal bureaucracy.
NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?
Hello!!   Anybody left in America with any common sense?

Signed….The Night Watchman

Things To Ponder While You Are In The Bathroom!

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Hat Tip To Odie@ Woodsterman.

 

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around 
several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the 
driver’s license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, 
how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”

Do they have lectures in Mime School?

Why do we park on drive ways, but drive on parkways?

Why is it when we mail something over land it’s a 
shipment, but when we mail it over sea it’s Cargo?

Why does Bottled Water have an expiry date?

Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night? 
Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a Broker?

Why do Overlook and Oversee mean opposite things?

Why are there locks on stores that are open 24/7/365?

Why do Doctors call what they do a “practice”?? 
Shouldn’t they be good at it by now?

Why is it called a Hamburger if it’s made from beef?

If you’re in France and order toast, 
do you get toast, or french toast??

If the #2 pencil is the most popular… Why is it still #2?

And finally for this food for thought……

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Let’s Have Fun At Hillary’s Expense … Shall We

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HATE

 

Hillary001

 

Hillary1 copy 2

 

Hillary002

 

Hillary003 copy

 

Hillary005

The Good, The Bad, and The Stupid . . .

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Hat Tip To Odie@Woodsterman.

 

You Might Be A Redneck… Oh Boy!

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I like the Dream Catcher.

 

 



 Red Neck Eatery

 Red Neck Bucket List

 Red Neck Dream Catcher

 Red Neck Long Burning Candle
(Will burn up to 45 days, continuously)

Red Neck Guessing Game

Show Em Your Badge Sonny ….

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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
“See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE SONNY !! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE !”

“When the people find that they can vote themselves money, 
that will herald the end of the republic” –  Ben Franklin 

 

 

 

Three Wishes

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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.



“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by 

President Obama and told to grant you three wishes 
since you just arrived in the United States with 
your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from 

we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, 
maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin 

and — PING!– he had a brand new shining set of 
gold teeth in his mouth! “What else?” 
asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big 

house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the 
water with eight bedrooms for my family and the 
rest of my relatives who still live in my country. 
I want to bring them all over here” and PING! 
In the distance there could be seen a beautiful 
mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, 
and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale 
neighborhood over-looking the bay. “One more wish,” 
said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American 

with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, 
and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I 
want to have white skin like Americans” —and — PING!

The man was transformed – wearing worn-out jeans, 

a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. 
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had 
disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” He wailed. 

“Where is my new house?”

The fairy said: “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you 

are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”

 

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