US to begin direct peace talks with Taliban ‘within days’


This is from France International News.

Why are we negotiating peace with the Taliban?

This is the same thing that happened in Vietnam when

we sold out South Vietnam.




US to begin direct peace talks with Taliban 'within days'

Senior US officials said on Tuesday that they will enter peace talks with the Taliban at a new office in Doha “within the coming days”, in what may be a significant step towards an end to the long-running war.

Senior US officials said on Tuesday that representatives will begin formal talks with the Taliban “within a few” days at a new office in Doha, Qatar.

The Afghan Taliban opened the office to help restart talks on ending the 12-year-old war, saying it wanted a political solution that would bring about a just government and end foreign occupation.

Senior Barack Obama administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorised to speak on the record, described the office opening to AP as a stepping stone to full Taliban renouncement of al Qaeda.


Talking to the Taliban: Violence against women not on the cards

Karzai also on the cards

The officials said the US and Taliban representatives will hold bilateral meetings, then it is expected that Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s High Peace Council will follow up with its own talks a few days later.

A senior Afghan official told Reuters that talks with the High Peace Council would go ahead.

“The peace talks will certainly take place between the Taliban and the High Peace Council,” said the senior official, referring to the body created by Karzai in 2010 to broker peace with the insurgency.

Taliban representative Mohammed Naeem held a news conference from the group’s new office on Tuesday, telling reporters that the Islamist insurgency wanted good relations with Afghanistan’s neighbouring countries. The conference was broadcast live on Qatar’s al Jazeera television channel.

The Taliban had previously said that they would not countenance peace talks with the Karzai government, which they consider a stooge of the United States and other Western nations.



Outhouses pit Amish against Ohio county health department

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This is from Fox News.

The Amish have lived this way for centuries.

So why does some Ohio paper shuffler  decide to change them?

More Big Government out of control.

KENTON, Ohio –  Over the pleas of the local Amish community, a northwest Ohio health board decided to go ahead with plans to condemn two newly constructed Amish homes because they don’t have required septic systems for their outhouses.

More than 100 Amish turned out Tuesday night to ask the Kenton-Hardin County Board of Health to reconsider the condemnation order, which requires that the homes be brought into compliance or the families move out.

Last summer, the health board said it would start enforcing rules that any new home must have a proper well and septic system — something the simple-living, outhouse-using Amish have never had to do. Health inspectors have not forced existing Amish homes to change. Around 200 Amish families live in Hardin County.

At issue are rules that require concrete, watertight pits under outhouses and the waste hauled away. The Amish, who turn their backs on modern technology, want to continue digging their own pits and spreading the waste on the land.

The Columbus Dispatch reported that on Tuesday night, Henry Yoder read a letter signed by the Hardin County Amish community’s seven bishops asking the board to reconsider its orders. Yoder owns one of the houses that are not in compliance.

“Our goal is to uphold and maintain the biblical principles of faith which our forefathers believed: to be a separate people,” Yoder read. “And, as stated in Romans 12th chapter, `Be ye not conformed … ‘.”

County Prosecutor Brad Bailey said the issue is bigger than just two homes. Leeching and contamination from the human waste and bad wells can reach the water table and hurt others, he said.

“Our rules at the health department are to prevent problems before they happen, not to react to them,” he said.

After more than two hours of testimony from health officials, the board’s eight members didn’t change their minds. They reaffirmed the orders to condemn the homes that they initially issued in January.

Now, the families can dig proper wells and install approved concrete pits under their outhouses, appeal the orders to the Hardin County Common Pleas Court, or move.

“Our goal is to live simple, God-fearing lives, and we feel your requirements are undermining our simple way of life,” Yoder said, reading from the bishops’ letter. “Our plea is to live in peace among our fellow citizens and maintain our lifestyles on our own personal properties unless it is definitely proven we are a health hazard to our neighbors.”

All other Ohio counties with an Amish population have long ago settled similar disputes. Logan County, for example, agreed to let the Amish build their own pits as a compromise. Holmes County, with the state’s largest Amish population, says the Amish follow the rules.

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Cops: Boy, 9, among group arrested for Skyway restaurant stickups

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This is from The Chicago Tribune Breaking News.

These little punks need to be locked up for ever.

This is why the people of Illinois need to be armed.

Rahm The Ballerina has declared war on gun owners.

While gang bangers are running wild.

The know the people are unarmed in the land of Al Capone.


Cops: Teen charged with using paintball gun to rob boys at Skyway restaurant


Three boys, including a 9-year-old, were arrested after they brandished a paintball gun and robbed two 12-year-old boys in a McDonald’s restaurant near the Chicago Skyway, according to police and prosecutors.

Two other suspects were still at large Wednesday, three days after the robberies at the McDonald’s in the 4000 block of East 106th Street, police said.

The five entered the restaurant about 6:30 p.m. Sunday, authorities said. Four of them, including Lamar C. Lewis, 17, and a 16-year-old boy, entered the bathroom and confronted a 12-year-old boy, police and prosecutors said.

After pulling out what police believe was a paintball gun, Lewis and the others began beating the boy, throwing him to the ground and going through his pockets, police said. They took the boy’s cellphone, iPod and money, police said.

As they were leaving the restaurant, the group — this time including the 9-year-old boy — stole a cellphone from a second 12-year-old in another part of the restaurant, police said.

The second robbery was witnessed by a man, 44, and a woman, 33, police said. The man ran after the group and managed to lead police to at least three of the five.

Lewis and the 16-year-old were arrested about 7 p.m. in the 10900 block of South Ewing Avenue, and the 9-year-old was arrested about a block north at about the same time, police said.

The other two suspects managed to escape, police said. The paintball gun was not found.

Lewis, of the 8200 block of South Houston Avenue, was charged as an adult with felony aggravated robbery and was ordered held on $25,000 bail Tuesday, prosecutors said. The 16-year-old was charged as a juvenile with aggravated robbery. He appeared Tuesday in Cook County Juvenile Court.

The 9-year-old appeared in juvenile court Tuesday, and charges against him are pending, according to a source.


Heaviest Snowfall in a Century Hits Moscow

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This is from The Moscow Times.

Would Al Gore convince the Russians they have globull warming?

They would ship Al Gore off to Siberia.

The heaviest snowfall in a century brought Moscow and the surrounding region to a near standstill and left hundreds of people without power, officials said Tuesday.

And with snowfall set to continue at least until the end of the week, the authorities are bracing for more chaos on the roads.

“There hasn’t been such a winter in 100 years,” Pyotr Biryukov, deputy mayor for residential issues, said Tuesday in comments carried by Interfax. “The snow this year has already reached one and a half times the climatic norm,” he said.

The capital has seen 216 centimeters (85.04 inches)of snow fall since the beginning of winter, Biryukov said.

Average snowfall in Moscow is 152 centimeters (59.84)a year. Biryukov said the city saw 26 centimeters in the 24 hours preceding his Tuesday afternoon news conference and has seen 36 centimeters since the beginning of February.

The heavy snowfall that struck the city Monday quickly led to chaos on the roads. The Yandex Probki traffic monitoring service reached a full 10 points, and on Monday evening it issued the seldom-seen warning that “it’s quicker to walk.”

Moscow traffic police said Tuesday that they had counted more than 3,000 minor traffic accidents in the previous 24 hours, far exceeding the daily average for the city.

“There were 3,160 small traffic accidents in Moscow over the past day,” a police spokesman said.

The average number of traffic accidents in the city is between 1,500 and 2,500 per day, he said.

Monday’s unprecedented number of fender benders stems from traffic violations by drivers due to difficult

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The Moscow Times

Alexandria cops bust 10-year-old for bringing toy gun to school

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This is from The Washington Examiner.

The people who run our public schools have lost their damned minds.

It is a plastic toy gun!!

Why was this boy arrested?

Even the police department spokesman said it had an orange tip.

I hope his family sues the Hell out of the school and police department.

A 10-year-old Alexandria boy was arrested after police said he brought a toy handgun to school on Tuesday, a day after he showed it to others on a school bus.

The boy, a fifth-grader at Douglas MacArthur Elementary School whose name is not being released, was charged as a juvenile with brandishing a weapon, police said.

He was also suspended from school, and Alexandria City Public Schools Superintendent Morton Sherman said further action is being considered, including expulsion.

On Monday, the boy showed the plastic gun to at least one other student during a bus ride home from the school. The 10-year-old did not point it at anyone or threaten to shoot it, but he neglected to mention that the weapon was fake, said Alexandria police spokeswoman Ashley Hildebrandt.

School officials said they learned about the incident Monday evening and immediately started investigating. Alexandria police spoke to school administrators Tuesday morning before the boy got to school.

When the boy arrived, authorities found the toy in his backpack. He was taken into custody, transported to a juvenile detention center for booking and then released to his parents, Hildebrandt said.

“The safety of our students is always our first concern,” Sherman said. “We appreciate the quick response and action by our police.”

The toy resembled a semi-automatic handgun, said police spokesman Jody Donaldson. It was silver and had a black handle. It also had a orange tip that went into the barrel, showing that no ammunition was coming out of it.

In light of current events involving schools and guns, Donaldson said police “do have a heightened sensitivity to any rumor or concern” about a student possibly having a firearm.

“Any time we get a call like this, we take it very seriously until we can determine the extent of the weapon — if it’s real or not — and what the student intends to do with it,” Donaldson said.

But some people said police and school administrators overreacted.

“A toy gun is no danger to anyone,” said Liane Rozzell, executive director of Families & Allies of Virginia’s Youth. “A 10-year-old is not a fully formed adult by any means. And that kind of situation should be dealt with outside the courts and the justice system.”

Robin Ficker, a Bethesda attorney who represented a 6-year-old Montgomery County student who was suspended last month for pointing his finger and saying “pow,” said the schools have become terror-stricken.

“That just shows a certain hysteria with the school administration,” Ficker said Tuesday. “What is the point? To say that you don’t like guns, you don’t like the Second Amendment?”

A letter was sent home to parents of all MacArthur students about the incident.

Unions Furious: Michigan to Become Right-to-Work State Today

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This is from Town Hall.

We see how important the children’s education to the teachers.

Because of the teachers being part of the rent a mob schools are closed.

If you want to be a sheeple and join a union you can do so.

However due to Right To Work laws you can not be forced into a union.

The vote to turn Michigan into a right-to-work state will take place today after days of protests in Lansing about the pro-worker legislation that prevents having to pay dues to a union. Not surprisingly, local police are bracing for possible violence today as more protests are planned.

Even with the outcome considered a foregone conclusion, the heated battle over right-to-work legislation in the traditional union bastion of Michigan shows no sign of cooling.

Authorities in Lansing were bracing for an onslaught of demonstrators Tuesday at the Michigan Capitol as the Legislature reconvenes for what could be final votes on bills. Hundreds of people gathered early Tuesday to get inside.

Yesterday while in Michigan campaigning for his new $1.6 trillion tax increase, President Obama slammed right-to-work states all over the country, saying legislation on the table in Lansing isn’t about economics but about attacking unions.

“These so-called right-to-work laws, they don’t have anything to do with economics, they have everything to do with politics,” Obama told cheering workers Monday during a visit to an engine plant in Redford, Mich. “What they’re really talking about is giving you the right to work for less money.”

Schools have also been closed so teachers can go protest today because afterall, “it’s all about the kids.”

At least two Michigan school districts have announced plans to cancel classes Tuesday – the same day some teachers and other union protesters are expected to converge at the state Capitol to protest right-to-work legislation.

Warren Consolidated Schools in southeast Michigan is canceling school “due to the number of staff who has notified us that they will be absent” Tuesday, according to a letter from Superintendent Robert Livernois posted on the district website.

Let’s not forget that President Obama refused to comment when his former chief of staff and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel failed to give protesting unionized teachers exactly what they wanted. Apparently his criticism only applies to Republicans.

Before this week, the last time the Chicago Teachers Union went on strike was September 8, 1987. It lasted until October 3, during which officials, teachers and parents clashed in the city’s longest teachers strike ever. After it ended, I called the Chicago school system the worst in the country.

President Obama has been noticeably silent. He shouldn’t be. The nation deserves to know whether his allegiances lie with his political allies in the public sector unions or with Emanuel and Duncan. This power struggle will reveal much about the constitution of the modern Democratic Party.

If the legislation in Michigan passed and singed into law by Republican Governor Richard Snyder, the Wolverine State will become the 24th in the country to have a right-to-work law on the books.

UPDATE: Much like Wisconsin in 2011, out of state union workers are being bused in to help storm the capitol.

Michigan is getting bombarded by out-of-state union activists, including protestors from Wisconsin. They’re expecting union protestors from Ohio and elsewhere, too.

Look for a surge in notes from doctors practicing near the state capitol for union members skipping work on Tuesday.



Michigan Republicans consider “right-to-work” legislation

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This is from Yahoo News.

More states need right to work laws.

So the Mafia Union Bosses can not sake people down for dues money.

Money that the Mafia Union Bosses give to DemocRats.

(Reuters) – Michigan‘s Republican-led legislature is considering a push for a “right-to-work” law that would make paying union dues optional in a state that has one of the highest union membership rates in the United States and is home to the United Auto Workers.

Republican Governor Rick Snyder, who had said in the past that a “right-to-work” law was not appropriate for Michigan, said on Tuesday the issue was now under discussion, though he did not say if or when a proposal would be introduced.

“We want to have a thoughtful discussion so there will be ongoing dialogues, say, tomorrow and the next day and we will make a conclusion when appropriate,” Snyder told reporters after meeting on Tuesday with Republican state House and Senate leaders.

No action was taken on a proposal on Wednesday.

Michigan would be the second state in the nation’s industrial heartland to adopt such a law after Indiana this year became the 23rd state with such laws.

“Right-to-work” laws typically allow workers to opt out of paying union dues, forbidding requirements that a person must join a union to work in a certain shop.

Supporters say the laws help attract or retain businesses, while opponents say they suppress wages and benefits for workers, and undermine the financial stability of unions.

Republicans control Michigan’s legislature and governor’s office. Voters in November rejected a measure to enshrine a right to collective bargaining in the state constitution, leading to renewed calls to take up the right-to-work issue.

The Michigan Chamber of Commerce on Monday backed passage of right-to-work legislation, citing in part a survey that found 85 percent support among its members.

When asked whether he thought right-to-work laws were right for the state now, Snyder said on Tuesday, “I am not going to make a conclusion on that. We are having thoughtful discussions.”

Michigan House Speaker Jase Bolger and other Republican leaders have sought to generate support to pass a right-to-work law during the December lame-duck legislative session.

“Discussions about Freedom to Work legislation are continuing and there is no final agreement or decision on whether to move forward or what that would look like if we do,” Ari Adler, Bolger’s spokesman, said in a statement on Wednesday.

The Metropolitan Affairs Coalition, which includes both business and labor interests, last week urged Michigan not to pursue right-to-work laws.

“We continue to be hopeful that RTW be for discussion … not legislation,” coalition president Paul Tait said in a statement on Wednesday. “This is clearly divisive and counterproductive.”

Tait said Michigan’s economy is turning around, in part, because of good labor-management relations.

“Anything, including RTW, that would derail that progress makes no sense,” Tait said.

About 17.5 percent of Michigan workers were members of unions last year, placing it fifth among states, compared with 11.8 percent of workers nationally, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

The potential action in Michigan follows efforts that greatly curbed the bargaining powers of public sector unions in Wisconsin in 2011. Ohio residents turned back efforts to curb public sector union powers in 2011 through a referendum vote.

Netanyahu ready for ‘whatever action’ is needed in Gaza, as Clinton arrives for talks

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This is from Fox News Politics.

 Israel needs to drive Hamas out of the Gaza Strip.

Then Israel needs to wipe out Hamas from Gaza.


Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, while affirming his support for diplomatic efforts to reach a cease-fire in Gaza, underscored that Israel would take “whatever actions” are necessary to defend itself.

Netanyahu made a brief statement beside U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who had flown to the Mideast on Tuesday to help advance diplomatic talks intended to avert an escalation of the weeklong conflict with Hamas, which controls the Gaza Strip.

Clinton said the United States is pushing for a “durable outcome” promoting stability, but the cease-fire talks brokered by Egypt had failed to yield a truce as of late Tuesday, with Hamas reportedly saying an agreement won’t come any earlier than Wednesday.

Earlier Tuesday, a senior Hamas official had told the AP that a truce agreement was within reach, while Reuters quoted an Israeli spokesman who said that while a cease-fire wasn’t finalized, the “ball is still in play.”

Reuters later quoted a Hamas official saying they “must wait until tomorrow,” blaming Israel’s failure to respond to proposals.

Efforts to end a week-old convulsion of Israeli-Palestinian violence drew in the world’s top diplomats on Tuesday, with President Obama dispatching Clinton to the region on an emergency mission and the U.N. chief appealing from Cairo for an immediate cease-fire.

“The goal must be a durable outcome that promotes regional stability and advances the security and legitimate aspirations of Israelis and Palestinians alike,” Clinton said after meeting with Netanyahu.

Israel and Gaza’s militant Hamas rulers have staked tough, hard-to-bridge positions, and the gaps keep alive the threat of an Israeli ground invasion. On Tuesday, grieving Gazans were burying militants and civilians killed in ongoing Israeli airstrikes, and barrages of rockets from Gaza sent terrified Israelis scurrying to take cover.

Meanwhile, Israel reported its first military causality in the conflict after a rocket strike.

Reuters reported that Palestinian gunmen rode motorcycles and dragged the body of a man suspected of working for Israel.

There is broad consensus among Palestinians that informers for Israel deserve harsh punishment, and it is rare to hear someone speak out against killings of alleged collaborators. Such public killings been carried out in the West Bank and Gaza since the first uprising against Israeli occupation in the late 1980s.

From Egypt, U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon said he came to the region because of the “alarming situation.”

“This must stop, immediate steps are needed to avoid further escalation, including a ground operation,” Ban said. “Both sides must hold fire immediately … Further escalation of the situation could put the entire region at risk.”

The U.S. considers Hamas, which has killed hundreds of Israelis in suicide and other attacks, to be a terror group and does not meet with its officials. The Obama administration blames Hamas for the latest eruption of violence and says Israel has the right to defend itself. At the same time, it has warned against a ground invasion, saying it could send casualties spiraling.

The conflict erupted last week, when a resurgence in rocket fire from Gaza provoked Israel to strike back, killing Hamas’ military chief in an air attack and carrying out hundreds of assaults on militants’ underground rocket launchers and weapons stores.

The onslaught abruptly turned deadlier over the weekend as aircraft were ordered to go after Hamas military commanders and buildings suspected of housing their commands and weapons caches. In the narrow alleys and warrens of crowded Gaza, where militants often operate from residential areas, civilian casualties mounted.

By Tuesday, civilians accounted for 54 of the 113 Palestinians killed since the operation began. Some 840 people have been wounded, including 225 children, Gaza health officials said.

Early Tuesday, Israeli aircraft targeted another Hamas symbol of power, battering the headquarters of the bank senior Hamas officials set up to sidestep international sanctions on the militant group’s rule. After Hamas violently overran Gaza in June 2007, foreign lenders stopped doing business with the militant-led Gaza government, afraid of running afoul of international terror financing laws.

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The 10 most interesting ballot initiative battles to watch on Tuesday

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This is from The Daily Caller.

This ballot initiatives will be interesting to watch.

Some I agree with and some I do not and others I am not sue how I feel.

What say you about these initiatives?


Voting for president, congressman, senator, governor, county councilman, alderman, sheriff and dogcatcher apparently isn’t enough to think about Tuesday. Voters in dozens of states will also be faced with ballot initiative and amendment questions running the gamut from guns to gay marriage, from “Frankenfoods” to photo IDs.

Sure, four states have initiatives teed up to counter Obamacare, but aren’t you a bit tired of hearing about the president’s health care law by now? There are ten other ballot measures worth watching, and these wont bore you to tears.

#10: Perhaps the most unusual measure is The Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act, on the ballot as Measure B in Los Angeles County, California. Voters will decide whether actors in pornographic movies made in Southern California should have to wear condoms and practice safe sex while the cameras roll. Measure B is a response to the outbreak of sexually transmitted diseases among California’s adult film “actors” and “actresses.”

#9: North Dakota produces a lot of cattle, and those folks aren’t messing around. Measure 3 would forever enshrine farmers and ranchers as a protected class by adding a whole new section to the state constitution. “The right of farmers and ranchers to engage in modern farming and ranching practices shall be forever guaranteed in this state,” it would read. “No law shall be enacted which abridges the right of farmers and ranchers to employ agricultural technology, modern livestock production and ranching practices.” Take that, PETA.

#8: Minnesota voters will decide whether to require every voter to show a photo ID at the polls. Democrats have claimed similar requirements in other states were efforts to depress turnout among minority and low-income voters. Some even say voter ID laws  can prevent elderly voters from going to the polls if they no longer have driver’s licenses. But conservatives counter that the best way to make sure no one cheats on Election Day is to require IDs at check-in. If you have to show photo ID to get on an airplane or rent a car, they say, voting should be even more secure.

#7: A proposal in Missouri would more than quintuple the state’s cigarette tax to 90 cents per pack, up from a lowest-in-the-nation 17 cents. New York leads the field with a whopping $4.35 tax for every pack of smokes. And that’s on top of a $1.01 federal tax. If you’re lighting up in New York City, there’s also a cigarette tax levied by the city — another $1.50 — adding up to $6.86 in taxes per pack for smokers in the Big Apple. That’s 34 cents to the government for every cigarette.

#6: Proposition 37 in California would require food marketers to label genetically modified foods. It would set up a lawsuit-based enforcement mechanism like the “Proposition 65″ toxics right-to-know law already employs, even though there’s no evidence so-called “frankenfoods” are actually unsafe to eat. (You probably ate some today.) While the measure is ahead in the polls, some fear it would raise grocery bills and create deceptive labeling schemes.


#5: In Louisiana, voters will decide whether to add the right to acquire, transport, carry, transfer, and use firearms to the constitutional right to bear arms. If approved, Louisiana ‘s current gun restrictions could be scrapped in favor of a policy that forces state and local governments to have a specific and compelling reason to limit gun rights. Universities and bars would be able to have gun-free zones, but the burden would be on the anti-Second Amendment side of the argument to prove why new firearms restrictions are necessary.

#4: There are several ballot questions about marijuana on statewide ballots this year, with Colorado’s Amendment 64 being perhaps the most significant. It would amend the Colorado Constitution to license and regulate growing and selling pot. it would make it legal for anyone over 21 to have an ounce of finished weed for their personal use — and six marijuana plants, with some restrictions. The state would get to tax Mary Jane, however, with the first $40 million every year going to a school construction fund. Also, the legislature would be required to pass legislation concerning the growth, processing, and sale of industrial hemp.

#3: Four states have measures on the ballot specifically about protecting citizens’ right to go hunting and fishing. This is largely a preemptive strike against the mega-rich Humane Society of the United States, whose president has said in the past that he would ban all sport hunting if he could. All four measures — in Idaho, Kentucky, Nebraska and Wyoming — would amend state constitutions, making it harder for animal rights groups to have their way later on.

#2: Gay marriage history could be made in a few states Tuesday. Maine is asking voters a straight-up question: Do you want to allow the State of Maine to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples? Minnesotans will be faced with a constitutional amendment establishing one-man, one-woman couples as the only legal definition of marriage. And Maryland’s question is unusual: Will voters accept a “civil marriage” recognition for gays and lesbians if churches can’t be forced to perform the ceremonies?

#1: Nine U.S. states don’t have personal income taxes, but only New Hampshire has “Live Free or Die” as its state motto. The Granite State will have a ballot measure Tuesday that would make its no-income-tax policy a permanent thing. The magic language reads, “No new tax shall be levied, directly or indirectly, upon a person’s income, from whatever source it is derived.”

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Actor Kevin Bacon Changing Last Name To Appease Muslims (satire)


This is from Clash Daily.

A little satire for you.

(Note: the following piece is satire)

by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, official DP Muslim Civil War Re-enactor
August 28th, 2012,

(NEW YORK) — “ ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy…What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet,” wrote Shakespeare in Romeo & Juliet. But apparently thy name is no longer so sweet for actor Kevin Bacon.

Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups such as CAIR (Center for American–Islamic Relations), the iconic actor and musician has publically vowed to change his last name. The reason: although many Muslims, like most Americans, watch films featuring the seemingly omnipresent actor, his last name has become a source of “discomfort,” as it is a byproduct of pork, a strictly forbidden meat within the Islamic faith.

The star of Footloose, A Few Good Men, Mystic River and countless other films issued a press release Tuesday afetrnoon announcing he will be changing his last name “due to increasing demand from the Muslim community to be able to enjoy my films while not having to be reminded of the filthy, horrid meat so common among ‘infidels.’ ”

Although Bacon did not state what new name he would adopt to appease America’s Muslim community, the actor’s press statement Tuesday made it clear he would be formally changing his surname within the month.

Said the now Artist-Formally-Known-As Bacon in his statement:

“Although the Bacon family has held our name humbly and innocuously throughout generations, I had no idea it was causing members of our Muslim community discomfort and impeding their enjoyment of my films and music. It is with great apologies to CAIR and other representatives of the Islamic community that I hereby renounce my surname of ‘Bacon,’ since it is a source of revulsion to some of the Muslim community.…Had I known my name would be provoking the thought of such a cultural dietary taboo, I would have begun my acting career in 1978 under a different name. I extend my sincerest apologies to any members of the Muslim community who may have taken offense to my porcine name.”

– Kevin Soon-Not-To-Be Bacon

Bacon’s renouncement of his last name comes after several incidents across the nation in which strips of bacon have been left on the steps of Islamic mosques and at Staten Island’s New Drop Beach Park on August 20th, where hundreds of Muslims gathered to celebrate the end of the holy month of Ramadan, prompting police to “probe” the placement of the lifeless pork slices as a “hate crime.” Reactions within social media outlets to such incidents have resulted in declarations such as an official “Bacon Appreciation Day” (September 1st) according to Facebook’s “BACON APPRECIATION DAY” home page, which is so shockingly insensitive that the esteemed journalists at Duh Progressive have become very upset and must pause from writing about it for a moment…

…Okay, we are back.

According to Islamic spokespeoplepersonisndividuals such as CAIR’s National Communications Director, Ibrahim Hooper, who had vowed a boycott Kevin Bacon’s movies until the actor changed his last name to something less offensive, Bacon’s announcement is bitter sweet; a case of “too little, too late.”

Said Hooper on Tuesday to Duh Progressive, “We are pleased that our requests for Kevin You-Know-Who to change his name have been finally met. But that doesn’t replace all those years of trying to enjoy his movies while not thinking about the sacrilegious meat he symbolized.”

However, prominent leaders of other non-pork-eating religions are voicing support for Kevin Bacon, counter-demanding the actor not change his name. Rosalind Jekowsky, Vice President of the Jewish Community Relationship Council of San Francisco, said she would “re-boycott” Bacon’s movies if the 54-year-old actor did change his name. “I’ve watched Kevin Bacon ever since Animal House; enjoyed all his work…shoot, even Hallow Man!” Jekowsky said Tuesday, adding, “Hey, a number of religions reject pork, but why it is only Muslims get to change an entire family’s surname because it abstractly ‘offends them?’ Why do they care and we (Jews) don’t?”

Continued Jekowsky, “To bully (Bacon) into changing his name to appease a fraction of Muslims who even care is the epitome of political correctness run amuck. …So we urge people of sound mind everywhere to counter-boycott (Bacon) upon his announcing his new name. That’s the only reasonable course of action.”

Although there is yet no word on what new name will replace Kevin Bacon’s Bacon, sources close to the actor’s wife, actress Kyra Sedgwick, claim Bacon is toying with several possible names guaranteed not to offend the U.S.’s Muslim community, among which are Kevin Hummus, Kevin Lambshanks, Kevin Shish Kabobs, Kevin Kabob, Kevin al-Mufti, or Kevin…………

BREAKING: As of 6:02 PM, PT, Kevin Bacon’s manager, Stacey Boniello, said that in response to demands from numerous and prominent leaders of the Muslim community (all five of them) to change his last name, he has chosen a last name “accommodating fans of all faiths, particularly Muslims.” As of next month, Kevin Bacon will be known as “Kevin Nine Eleven.”

“Great to meet you, Mr. Nine Eleven! Can I have your autograph, please?”

(Note: This piece is satire).

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